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********** this is a total work of fiction, written
durin my journalism course at the Queen's University enrichment
program. none of the events in this peice are real, nor the people. the
pope made no such statements, and this is pure fiction. FICTION. also
these views are not supported by DM Youth or devi mandir in part or
whole. this is fiction.***********
(do you think thats enough of a disclaimer? then read on!)
No one could have foreseen that a rift caused by a dimpled delicacy
could lead to the break-up of one of the world's most popular religions.
On March 25, International Waffle Day,
Pope Benedict XVI made a statement about his extreme distaste for waffles.
However, his confidante and close advisor, Cardinal Sloane, attested that he
loved waffles, especially with blueberries on them. In the weeks and months to
come, the repercussions were massive.
Adamant in his pro-waffles stance, the
Cardinal declared himself the Archbishop of Waffles only three days after the
pope's statements, and started a new order of Catholicism.
Yesterday, the pope called for all
Catholics to choose between his "true" Catholicism, and the new Wafflism: to
choose, as he put it, between God and waffles.
The pope had plenty to say about his
unwavering stance on waffles. Their origin's, he said, are decidedly dark.
"If you look in the bible, who ate
waffles? Satan did... and so did Hitler...I served Hitler his waffles," said Pope Benedict,
a former Hitler Youth, in an interview yesterday.
He also holds that blueberries are
satanic in origin, posing that a mistranslation in Genesis changed the word
"blueberry" to "apple" in regards to the fruit from the tree of knowledge.
When asked why it was a tree and not a
bush if the fruit was indeed a blueberry, he said "Blueberries have the power
of Satan; that's why they can move from bushes to trees... it's the devil in
them."
Pope Benedict lamented that, while he
would love to help the "confused" Archbishop of Waffle, his pain priorities are
protecting the people of the world and his church, and seeing that they choose
the right, not the waffle.
He added that companies that promote
and defend they newfound "Wafflism" will be dealt with by higher powers.
"Eggo," he promised, "will be judged
by God."
Eggo spokesperson W. Nyle spoke out against the Pope's attack on
waffles, calling it a blatant hate crime.
Eggo fully supports both its waffle
and pancake eating consumers, of catholic and Wafflism denominations, and Nyle
has called for the Pope to be held accountable for his discriminatory
statements.
As for the Archbishop of Waffle, Nyle
said "he's an admirable representative for waffles."
Though Eggo has not released anything
yet, Nyle hinted that the official announcement of a promotional ‘Wafflism'
waffle, with a syrup crucifix on top of it, is coming soon.
Meanwhile, the worldwide repercussions
of this split are being felt.
In Belgium, a land known for its waffles, people
are getting worried. "I'm very concerned;" said Isabel Flouvé, a waffle vendor
in Brussels.
"Waffles are a very big export for Belgium."
The religious consequences are also
weighing heavily on the shoulders of Belgians.
Almost 75% of the population is Roman
Catholic, and while religion is paramount in the lives of many, waffles are
also valued highly.
Flouvé was quite clear about her
opinion of the Pope's preferences, saying, "It's a personal decision; don't
split the church over waffles."
Belgium will soon welcome the Archbishop of
Waffle himself to their country, as he plans to make his headquarters next to
Flouve's waffle cart in Brussels this coming month. When asked about the
Pope, his words were simple.
"The pope is wrong" said the
Arch-waffle, as he is affectionately called by his followers. "People should be
able to indulge [in waffles] if they want to."
Although he believes in equality of
morning munchies, the Arch Waffle has decided that his doctrine will change the
traditional pancake dinners to waffle dinners.
The self-appointed archbishop said
that, while he enjoys other fruits on their own, blueberries are alone on top
of his waffles, only occasionally joined by cream which creates a lovely
"emulation of flavours".
The call to waffles worldwide has gone
out, and the Pope's proclamations have been made. It only remains to be seen
whether the world will favour tradition or change; the pope and his pancakes or
the Arch Waffle and his blueberries. For some, the decision will make them
search deep down into the waffle-like nooks and crannies of their souls, but
for others, the decision is clear.
Popes may come and go, but waffles are
forever.
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LMAO! You're article is SOOO funny, but really good LOL!